Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Epic Rant

I haven't done one of these in awhile, but I've been writing them down as they've come to me... this one is a few weeks in the making.

-- Why the hell is downtown Miami always under construction? No matter what year it is, or what show or movie you're watching, there are like 4 goddamn cranes doing things in the skyline. Seriously.
Burn Notice, Scarface, Dexter, CSI Miami, Bad Boys 1&2... even in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, the friggin video game. Every single goddamn one of them has a shot of the skyline with multiple cranes sticking up. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. This has been going on for 30 years!


-- I'm so sick to death of phone numbers on TV. The whole "555" prefix is so obnoxious. I wish whoever decided this long ago would've reserved a couple more. Like why can't we have 555, 991, and 880 as movie and TV show phone number prefixes? They dropped the ball on that one.

-- How so many in this country could be without jobs, while Tim McCarver keeps his is UNBELIEVABLE.

-- On that note, Joe Buck and Tim McCarver have called every World Series since 1996! That's 12 years! Can you believe we've had to put up with this drivel this long?

Here's a brief list of Tim McCarver quotes:

"If you leadoff and you play every day, you're guaranteed to bat with the bases empty at least 162 times."

"Derek Lowe is the dominant groundball pitcher in baseball. How dominating? The most."

"On most teams the set up man has become more valuable, on others not so valuable."

This is torture! FOX! PLEASE!

-- Why does all new rap music sound like the beats are slowed down techno songs?

-- Why does so much country music sound like late '80s and early '90s pop music?

-- If a person has no money in their bank account, how do you expect them to pay a $35 overdraft fee?

-- I've determined that all bands named after a city or state are awesome (with the exception of Berlin): Alabama, Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America

-- Of course, bands named after continents are suspect at best: Asia, Europe

-- I can't believe that we can pay bills from our phone but we still have to find and put coins in parking meters. Nightmare.

-- Why don't airlines start selling "All you can drink" fares with a limit to 2 per hour? Charge an extra $60 bucks a ticket and give them double the frequent flier miles.

-- Yes, I realize that on a 5 and a half hour flight from Atlanta to San Francisco, someone could drink almost 12 drinks. Who are you kidding? The people who drink that much have already gotten onto the plane 3 or 4 drinks in to begin with. It's a necessity.

-- Anyone think that the new Bank of America ATM's are worse than making transactions with a human being? It's supposed to be convenient to not use envelopes to make deposits. Oh yeah? Today, it took me 5 minutes to deposit one check. Why?

It rejected it the first time, then after it accepted it, it couldn't read the amount it was for, then after typing in the amount that it supposedly should be able to read, it asked me if it was correct.

OF COURSE IT'S CORRECT. I JUST TYPED IT IN.

Then it processed the transaction for 10 seconds, asked me if I was done making deposits, then PROCESSED THE TRANSACTION AGAIN for another 10 seconds. Finally, it took another 30 seconds to get my card back.

Real effing convenient B of A.

-- Why do these friggin prescription drug commercials need to state the obvious?

"Tell your doctor if you're pregnant, nursing, have kidney or liver problems, have had a heart attack, diabetes, or lung cancer."

Maybe I missed something, but WHAT THE HELL KIND OF A DOCTOR PRESCRIBES CIALIS OR FLOMAX OR VALTREX WITHOUT READING YOUR GODDAMN MEDICAL HISTORY?"

This is procedure. They won't prescribe you anything unless they know it's not going to kill you. The medical malpractice suits are too scary to risk anything.

So why on earth does the commercial need to tell us that? For that matter, why are there even drug commercials on TV?

-- I'm not sure when Halloween turned into chicks dressing like call girls, but I like it.

-- I see multiple Smart Cars every day. I give them the Joaquin Phoenix/Gladiator wavering thumbs down every time I see them. Any man (or woman for that matter) who sacrifices their dignity and safety to be able to park in small parking spots deserves to be mocked in public.


You'd rather have a 3 cylinder, 70 horsepower tuna can that gets OK gas mileage than a Mini Cooper or even a goddamn Prius? You suck at life and I need to make sure you know it.

-- I am outing Tim McGraw right now as an Obama supporter. I read it in Men's Journal at the gymnasium. You've failed me Tim.

-- NBC is the most incompetent network in history. It's only decent shows are Heroes, Sunday Night Football, and Law & Order SVU. They stupidly ave Conan O'Brien Leno's spot and then moved Leno to 10pm. Are they retarded? They single handedly killed ratings on both those shows.

Then they overspent on the production of Trauma, which had promise, but was cancelled due to its unwatchable characters. Seriously. I hated every single one of those people except for Rabbit. If you don't like the characters in a show, you're not going to watch it.

Also, they were too stupid to restart Las Vegas after the writer's strike. That show could have had a 10-12 year run. It never got old. Even after James Caan left and Tom Selleck took over.

RETARDED!

-- So I saw my friend's GQ magazine with the extremely hot Olivia Wilde on the cover sitting on the coffee table. Not being as familiar with GQ as I am with ESPN or Maxim, I thought there would be a sweet spread of pictures. There were a couple, along with a good article, but what really got me is...

This is supposed to be a straight guy's magazine, right? Well why then, does this magazine have 175 pages solely containing pictures of gay men in various states of undress? Seriously. Being a sharp dresser is one thing, but this "magazine" is not for regular guys. Shocking, really.

-- Enough Brett Favre and Alex Rodriguez already!

-- I was Al Davis last Halloween. Great, I know. But, you could seriously be a member of the Raiders organization every year for Halloween and it would not get old. Tom Cable? JaMarcus Russell? Anyone in the Black Hole? What a freak show!

-- PS: After 2 games, Michael Crabtree has 11 receptions for 137 yards. Darrius Heyward-Bey? 5 catches for 74 yards... IN EIGHT GAMES! HAHA! No wonder Crabtree held out for more money. He's friggin worth it.

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